I'm a 1981 baby, and I can see how parenting in this era is really different to how we were raised. For a kid to be pushed to be a ‘good little girl’ or ‘good little boy’ isn’t the ideal we once thought it was. There is more to humans than our parents knew, and as adults, some of us may have already recognised certain patterns in our own lives that were set up from childhood; patterns that warped our sense of Self, distorted our ability to relate to others, and impacted how we use our voice.
Even when our home life was safe, and we were loved, our generation has not escaped unscathed; the inner disconnect is real. Some of these influences appear subtle, which is why they're often dismissed. But we now know that small, incremental energetic disturbances over our lives start to add up, and set up patterns that really don't serve us.
There are many childhood experiences that didn't necessarily help us thrive, despite those who state “Well I turned out OK’ (and maybe you did), however, this next generation simply can’t have it be the same way. They are expressing themselves and battling parenting styles more than we ever did, with good reason: they’re here to make massive steps for how we run our society. And now, as the grown ups, we get to be the voice for them.
A new style of parenting is hard to drop into when it's not the way we've been shown. It’s very trying, especially so in the beginning, because it’s in direct opposition to our own conditioning. And, not only are our bandwidths often already maxed out, but kids can just be mother-effing loud and sometimes we need quiet time! But as the grown ups, we have to recognise that in ourselves, because it's not the kids fault. And look, even if it is directly as a result of the kids... we can't continue to shut down their self expression because our nervous systems can't handle it. That's not fair to a being who's still trying to work out who the feck they are and what life in this human body is all about.
Some examples of old approaches that aren't always in kids best interest might look like having to give gratuities such as thank you that they don't genuinely feel. Seems harmless enough, but for a child to say ‘thank you’ if they don’t actually feel grateful (because maybe they didn’t like or want the thing they're thanking for, or perhaps they are uncomfortable for another reason) is incongruent, and may set up patterns of energetic numbness. We want kids to want to give their gratitude when they really feel it, and to be able to stay present in the moment when doing so.
Making kids give hugs that their bodies or minds don’t feel like giving, even to family members or people they know well, teaches detachment from body autonomy, and encourages choosing another’s needs over one’s own. These choices have to be their own, not influenced by an adults need to keep up appearances or to show a 'mark of respect' or any such (absolutely ludicrous and outdated) thing.
The old adage of 'children should be seen and not heard' is well and truly out. If children are constantly asked to be quiet, whether they're playing or trying to connect with someone, it teaches them to suppress their voice, and their self expression and creative play suffers greatly, regardless of age. Their core sense of worth and value can be impacted. I’d rather see a disruptive kid who’s living their best life and following their joy any day of the week, as opposed to a kid who shuts down to please those around them. It’s soul crushing to witness a little being suppress their light in order to please those around them, or to avoid getting in 'trouble'.
I see and feel the kids of today, and I see and work with the effects the old ways of parenting have generated in the grown ups raising them. So I see and feel what’s happening for the beautiful parents, it’s really fucking hard; there’s no handbook on this. And truly, it’s not your fault - it’s society which has the issue. We weren’t shown any other way, neither were our parents, or their parents.
This is a point of evolution for our species, where we learn and see better ways of doing things. That is the part which lies within your control.
Ultimately, the battle between intuitive parenting and conditioned parenting happens when we haven’t unpacked our conditioning from the frameworks of colonised, patriarchal, western society. Colonial and patriarchal oriented frameworks don’t have much room for spirit, intuition, self-expression or messiness; in fact those frameworks exist to snuff any of that out, and what they’ve done to parenting (and by extension, childhood) is bad. No one is thriving in these conditions.
Expressive emotions, noise, mess, non-compliance, self-discovery… the kids need it, but our society frameworks have no time for it. But thankfully the kids, bless them, have no time for these soul sucking frameworks! And nor should they. These kids are little beacons of light here to guide us. That’s why we do the inner work, so us and our kids get to live in more wonder, joy and true self-expression.
Our kids - the small humans of now - are the generation to bring this back as part of the norm. They just need us to let it happen.
ab.
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