Why I'm not as 'positive' as people might think I am.

I’ve heard many people who know or meet me say I’m so happy and positive, and I am, but I’m also… not.

For someone who helps others find more of their light, I spend a lot of time in the lower layers of human emotion. I’m comfortable in the muck and the mess, and on the days when my own energy is low, or I’m sad, and I lean into it, there’s a dark deliciousness available that isn’t often spoken about.

We always rush to make someone feel better, or ‘lift them up’ whenever they’re down, but why? Why do we do that? Because they need it? Well, have they asked for help? If yes, that’s different. But if they haven’t, are we doing it because we’re ourselves uncomfortable in this space?

I’ve learnt I don’t want anyone to try and fix my sadness, or talk me out of it, because I know it needs to be felt. Like fully felt, and seen, and hated, and loved, and respected, and accepted. I want to, and must, journey with it; it is the guide. If I need help, I seek it.

There’s a richness in the spaces of the lower emotions, when we’re in our cave or the underground, that isn’t available in the light. This richness - tangible, nourishing, cleansing, insightful, revealing, healing - is a part of life we’ve been conditioned to want to deny or disown. It’s uncomfortable, sure, but as society has made no space for it, we try to bypass and avoid.

To do so though is a great disservice to the whole Self. We need it, our balance point, the bottom half of the circle and cycle of life. The slow, the real, the hard… it holds value and purpose. Life cannot be all about joy and happiness, it’s foolish to think that’s the pinnacle. And I can say foolish, because that’s exactly what I was.

For years and years I was aiming for this ‘perfection’ of being. “If I just fix this one thing”, or “If I just jump this last hurdle”… ugh, I was sold a lie. I was sold the lie, and I was a person susceptible to its narrative. I know now there is no end point where life is magically easier and perfect, unless you count death. Which, maybe I do. I think death is where we return to perfection, but, until such time, this human life is all about the natural ups and downs, and, learning to be OK with that.

Strangely, even though I just said this is not the whole point, there is an aspect of life which gets more easeful when we learn to love sadness, or in the very least, learn to not be afraid of it. (Love might be too strong, I’m getting a little romantic writing about it!) But truly, in my healers role, I’m always in awe of the pure energetic beauty present when someone accepts and moves with their pain and sadness, rather than denying or fighting against it. In these cases, I see it make way for right energy flow to move through the person, helping to shift them into the next spoke of the wheel of life.

The wheel of life wants to turn, and it’s you and your energy flow that enables this to happen.

If only you could see the power you hold, you’d see how after sadness you are reborn. In the sadness part of you was shed, released, alchemised… yes, totally out of your control, and not what you’d choose as a circumstance… but, within your body, if you practice staying present with yourself in the dark, you will emerge transformed.

ab.